How to not be Attached - Finding True Love

Are you attached to something?  Does thoughts of being away from a loved one send you into that excruciating panic?  Does the thought of losing something special to you to painful to even think?  Some may think the price of "love" is that you have to also feel all those awful feelings.

This hub is here to tell you that's not true.  In fact, once you become aware of a better way, you'll actually be more free to love those things you find important.  You'll be able to savor those precious moments without the feeling of dread.

The steps to being free of the feeling of attachment is as follows:

1. Understanding your feelings,
2. Becoming aware/conscious of your feelings,
3. Accepting your feelings,
4. Peace and Love!

The first step to peace and true love is to understand your feelings. Feelings aren't bad in of themselves. The problem is that we have a million feelings throughout the day, but we are totally "unconscoius" of them, or in other words, they completely control us. We become these walking bag of reactions. Your lover says something you don't like and before you know it you are snapping and growling.

Let me ask you, in those situations, who is in control? Do you feel like you could stop anytime you wanted to? Well lucky for you, you don't have to control your feelings, you just have to become aware of them.

First let's discuss what feelings are. Many philosophers describe feelings as energy. We can certaintly feel that. When we feel mad we feel very alive. We have enough energy to clean the whole house! The diagram below shows how different emotions can be represented as energy.

This may seem like a simple concept, but it's actually a huge step.  Because now you see feelings for what it is - something separate from you and not you you.  How many times do we mistakenly say "I am angry".  This identifies you with the anger and it becomes part of your identity.  You are now controlled by it.  The truth is that you really are "feeling angry" or "I feel anger inside me".  This identifies it as just simply another energy inside you.  Do you feel it?  It's not that intimidating is it?

The above example uses "anger" which is a common feeling we feel when we are attached to someone or something.

When we aren't aware of our feelings, it becomes our ego and identity. The ego will feed the brain feelings of "need" and "inadequacy". Your brain will then react and feedback more negative actions and thoughts to your feeling until it feels like your whole body is vibrating with anger. Sound familiar? You can feel it in your hands, legs, and even feet. You may even feel like you're about to explode

Eckhart Tolle describes the ego as follows:

The ego identifies with having, but its satisfaction in having is relatively shallow and short-lived one. Concealed within it remains a deep-seated sense of dissatisfaction, of incompleteness, of "not enough." "I don't have enough yet,' by which the ego really means, "I am not enough yet."

So that person or that something can never (ever) satisfy you for more than just a brief moment in time. True fulfillment can't come from the outside, but only can come from within. That may seem negative at first, but let that truth sink in. Feel how liberating that is; to not have to keep grabbing and reaching over and over again for the rest of your life.

How do you become aware of your feelings? Simply close your eyes and take one conscious deep breath. Ask your body, "How are you?" Do you become aware of a tightness in your body? Maybe in your rib cage, stomach, or throat? Guess what? If you have become aware of that you have already won. Simply being a witness to your emotions will initiate a chain reaction of relief over time.

First start practicing this when you feel peaceful. Find a quiet room and time in your life such as the morning. Just simply listen to your breath a few times. If your thoughts come back, simply accept it as a result of years of habitual compulsive thinking and return to your breath. Gradually, you'll start noticing yourself become more aware of your feelings in more difficult situations like at work, talking with your children, or your spouse. Your spouse will say something and you'll be on the verge of giving a tirade, but you'll stop just in time to realize, "oh, there it is."

Resistance will only bring more negative emotions. Suppression is even worse. Don't fool yourself in thinking that you're hiding anything. Language goes way deeper than words and those subliminal cues in your body language will cause uncomfortable reactions in other people.

Resistance is simply making a problem out of a problem. It's a rejection of who you are at that moment. It's the equivalent of saying, "This shouldn't be happening. I shouldn't feel "angry/lonely/sad/hurt/frustrated". Why shouldn't you feel these feelings? You're human aren't you? So stop putting an unrealistic expectation on your body. Give it a break! You can't release your emotions, they release you.

Instead, try a little experiment. Think of an unpleasant situation or feeling. Instead of thinking, "I never want to ever experience that again!" try "I am willing to experience that emotion/feeling again". It may sound crazy, but just try it out. The more you stop resisting the situation or emotion, the more it will release you from its grip. One day you'll find yourself in your most unpleasant situation and get the weird sensation that you aren't mad/upset/frustrated.

Also, when you feel your feeling, don't dramatize it. Resist the urge to start applying labels to it. Just be present with the feeling. Give it your full attention without labels. Similar to if you were soothing and holding a scared child. Just take a deep breath and listen.

The biggest resistance to accepting true love and peace is the fear of letting go the delusional part of our identity. For year after year, we have been strengthening our relationship with anger/hurt/pain/loneliness/fear that it actually becomes hard to let that go. I know at first I had urges to go find something painful like my favorite sad song or to initiate a dramatic conversation.

You may be asking, "Who will I be without all of this?" It's uncharted territory, but the feelings of peace will be enough to keep you going. You'll realize that without all the drama and manipulation and fear of losing, that you will be free to love with all your heart. Every moment will become rich for you. You'll let your lover do whatever he or she wants, because that's what true love really wants.

Take a deep breath and give it a try. What's the worst that could happen?